Today, I got D.U.M.P.E.D. on. A deluge of cranky, sassy, whiny, needy came my way in a constant, forceful current. I was drowning all day long, holding on to the fact that hubby would be home to lift me out of the ugly day pit. No such luck--too caught up in his busy day and didn't have anything left for me. I tell you, nothing feels more vulnerable and more lonely than to be ignored by the only other adult you come across during your day. I absolutely despise days like these. I unequivocally loath days like these. The days that make me question what the hell I am doing, the days where the shame gremlins come to feast on my best-attempted reserve of self esteem. The days where motherhood has lost all its glory and I endeavor to selvedge the lackluster remains of my day. The days where my dark uglies--my deep insecurities and darker emotions--strangle me from the inside and hold me hostage. The days where my needs get pushed so far back that everyone around me seems to forget that I am a human being, not a slave or a short-order cook or a whipping boy.
Disheartened
Unappreciated
Melancholy
Peaky
Exhausted
Depressed
I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling this gaping, God-sized hole and nothing to fill it with. I feel desperate for some kind of rescue breath...and alone. So terrifyingly alone.
I think the logical part of my brain kicks in on occasion and brings up every doubt I've ever had about myself being a mother. It's such an illogical choice--the only position you acquire only to work yourself out of a job. What am I doing? Why do I put up with so much only to receive so little?
In short, today royally sucked.
And at the end of this threadbare day, I look back, and the only thing I can hold onto is that I didn't collapse and spend money to cope my way through it. I was present and felt every overwhelming emotion today and now I feel everything and nothing--but mostly just lonely and forgotten. And desperate for a break.
